I don't know why, but it hadn't ever occurred to me before reading this that female authors often mine their personal experiences when promoting a book in a way that men don't. It's made me reflect on what I've shared in the public domain, and made me realise I need to sit and think about where I want to put boundaries in place going forwards.
I totally agree. I worry particularly when people are encouraged to share their trauma in order to sell things - and the people around them may have a vested interest. Good on you. I hope people follow your lead. I certainly will if anyone’s ever interested enough in my writing ✨
I mean, occasionally the answer is that men SHOULD be doing something too. But cold-calling strangers to ask if they'd be willing to hate their ankles is definitely on the weird end of the spectrum!
What an interesting and thoughtful read ... So true! When you break these questions down, pause and reflect whether it's just a women type of question 🙄
And couldn't agree more with ankles/cankles - just don't get why there are constant suggestions for which part of the body we should be unhappy with!
I thought that too about the media just making up things for us to be unhappy about. 🙈😂🤔 I remember being a teen and reading stuff about “saddle bags” and “love handles.” I didn’t have anything of the sort (at the time) so I was very confused. 🫣 But none of this would be “a thing” if it wasn’t constantly brought up. 🙄 Also, it is such a good point that men never have to talk about their personal lives.
Speaking as a book PR of twenty years plus, I gave up asking authors to do these pieces not only because it’s distasteful to have to ask them to share personal lives in this way - and yes, I did have male authors do this sort of piece - but because it didn’t actually sell books!
Grim, and reminds me…..A few years back I was asked by an editor I had worked with many times before, to write about my sex life since I had re-married and am in my fifties - oh and I had had breast cancer surgery.
It would, she said, be life affirming for others. Hmmm. So I said, ‘I am there for life affirming. I will do it under a pseudonym.’ She said, ‘No. that’s not personal is it?’
Why would a very nice woman (as I had always found that editor) want me to embarrass myself and my family in such a prurient fashion? Why do they think people want to read this stuff? Is humiliation part of the publicity machine I wonder? It’s very much The Hunger Games’ as entertainment model. To make the writer relatable? Really? BTW I have not been asked to write for that paper since. 🙄
Thank you for this fascinating and somewhat depressing piece. It’s appalling that female creatives are still subjected to this kind of tosh in the 21st century, but I fear the hyper-attention given to ‘celebs’ in the era of reality TV has a lot to answer for. But ‘cankles’? Really? Jeez.
Wow. Thanks for saying all that. I spent many years on the edge of this as a writer who covered parenting subjects for a national paper and who got her start in part with an essay that said far too much about her relationship with one of her children. I’ve regretted that piece, although not the result, and I used to spend a lot of time as an editor for that same paper discouraging writers from sharing aspects of their family lives that I suspected they would regret. (A fave: the writer who wanted to write, public ally and using her name, about her fear that her son’s penis was too small.) it’s one thing to open up about something in a way that helps people feel less alone, and I respect that. It’s another to be asked to continually mine our trauma. I hope you’re not asked, and this reader at least never wants to hear you answer!
Loved reading this. Unfortunately for me, almost all I do write about is my personal life! Which is probably due to a spectacular lack of imagination and may explain why I have only 72 followers!
But it is so true that people are more likely to reference the author’s life experience if they are a woman and the author’s craft and style and, oh, maybe the actual story, if they are a man. Even those men who write about the everyday and relationships. I guess the only male author whose life I feel I know a bit more about is Stephen King, but mostly that’s through On Writing where he shares a fair bit about his life.
I used to love in the same village as Jilly Cooper and there was so much time spent trying to work out who her characters were based on, because obviously they *must* have been and couldn’t possibly have just sprung from her imagination.
Whenever cankles are mentioned I can’t help but bubble internally with laughter…because I am immediately reminded of a beloved auntie, who when she lost her hair while undergoing therapy for cancer, murmured with a wicked wink “at least I don’t have cankles”. Thank you for (however unintentionally) reminding me of her.
I have been similarly enraged by magazines. One here in Australia demanded to know my age for an article and made one up (older by three years !) when I declined to give it. There were four stories about men in the same edition :: none of their ages (or status in regard to partners) were mentioned.
This goes hand-in-hand with Sally Rooney's recent interview with the New York Times in which she was asked in several different ways about whether she mines her own experiences for her writing, or whether it's autobiographical in anyway. She said: "I’m aware that people think that my work is heavily autobiographical, and in fact, it isn’t. It felt like they were just fictional characters, like all my other fictional characters, and I was intrigued by them."
It does seem as though women are expected to write about their own experiences, while this is so rarely a question asked of even the most prolific male writers like you mentioned.
This is all so true. I do a lot of reading about trauma and nervous systems (for fun, but also for work), and one of the things I've learned is that talking about it isn't always helpful (repression isn't either, so there's a very narrow path to walk here to heal from something healthily), and I think often about how women are socialised to talk about things.
When I was going through my separation, and then divorce, I mentioned it to an aquaintance in a very general manner, simply to give context for something else I was discussing. She asked for the whole story. When I told her I wasn't talking about it to anyone, because it's a. nobody else's business and b. not remotely helpful for our brains and nervous systems she actually said "yes but *I* want to know". I admired her honesty, and I think she was only saying out loud what most people think and/ or expect.
Anyway. Thank you, this is perfectly stated and beautifully written!
This is just brilliant and has articulated something so many of us feel uncomfortable about
Thank you Poorna. It even feels too personal writing that!
Ha ha! I can imagine! It’s such a stressful thing to articulate but a very necessary one and so many of us resonate with it so for that, thank you 💕
I don't know why, but it hadn't ever occurred to me before reading this that female authors often mine their personal experiences when promoting a book in a way that men don't. It's made me reflect on what I've shared in the public domain, and made me realise I need to sit and think about where I want to put boundaries in place going forwards.
I totally agree. I worry particularly when people are encouraged to share their trauma in order to sell things - and the people around them may have a vested interest. Good on you. I hope people follow your lead. I certainly will if anyone’s ever interested enough in my writing ✨
I mean, occasionally the answer is that men SHOULD be doing something too. But cold-calling strangers to ask if they'd be willing to hate their ankles is definitely on the weird end of the spectrum!
What an interesting and thoughtful read ... So true! When you break these questions down, pause and reflect whether it's just a women type of question 🙄
And couldn't agree more with ankles/cankles - just don't get why there are constant suggestions for which part of the body we should be unhappy with!
I thought that too about the media just making up things for us to be unhappy about. 🙈😂🤔 I remember being a teen and reading stuff about “saddle bags” and “love handles.” I didn’t have anything of the sort (at the time) so I was very confused. 🫣 But none of this would be “a thing” if it wasn’t constantly brought up. 🙄 Also, it is such a good point that men never have to talk about their personal lives.
Speaking as a book PR of twenty years plus, I gave up asking authors to do these pieces not only because it’s distasteful to have to ask them to share personal lives in this way - and yes, I did have male authors do this sort of piece - but because it didn’t actually sell books!
That is really interesting. No doubt it sells papers (or advertising in papers) though.
Grim, and reminds me…..A few years back I was asked by an editor I had worked with many times before, to write about my sex life since I had re-married and am in my fifties - oh and I had had breast cancer surgery.
It would, she said, be life affirming for others. Hmmm. So I said, ‘I am there for life affirming. I will do it under a pseudonym.’ She said, ‘No. that’s not personal is it?’
Why would a very nice woman (as I had always found that editor) want me to embarrass myself and my family in such a prurient fashion? Why do they think people want to read this stuff? Is humiliation part of the publicity machine I wonder? It’s very much The Hunger Games’ as entertainment model. To make the writer relatable? Really? BTW I have not been asked to write for that paper since. 🙄
Grim
Thank you for this fascinating and somewhat depressing piece. It’s appalling that female creatives are still subjected to this kind of tosh in the 21st century, but I fear the hyper-attention given to ‘celebs’ in the era of reality TV has a lot to answer for. But ‘cankles’? Really? Jeez.
Wow. Thanks for saying all that. I spent many years on the edge of this as a writer who covered parenting subjects for a national paper and who got her start in part with an essay that said far too much about her relationship with one of her children. I’ve regretted that piece, although not the result, and I used to spend a lot of time as an editor for that same paper discouraging writers from sharing aspects of their family lives that I suspected they would regret. (A fave: the writer who wanted to write, public ally and using her name, about her fear that her son’s penis was too small.) it’s one thing to open up about something in a way that helps people feel less alone, and I respect that. It’s another to be asked to continually mine our trauma. I hope you’re not asked, and this reader at least never wants to hear you answer!
Oh man, yes, it’s a whole different ball game once you start mining your children (and their bodies!)
Loved reading this. Unfortunately for me, almost all I do write about is my personal life! Which is probably due to a spectacular lack of imagination and may explain why I have only 72 followers!
This is very interesting. I was reading and commenting on this post the other day https://open.substack.com/pub/anarrativeoftheirown/p/the-elena-ferrante-furore?r=aobxz&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web and I felt I appreciated being able to read Elena Ferrante’s work without having to reference her life as well and how freeing that is for the reader, but it must be even more so for the writer.
But it is so true that people are more likely to reference the author’s life experience if they are a woman and the author’s craft and style and, oh, maybe the actual story, if they are a man. Even those men who write about the everyday and relationships. I guess the only male author whose life I feel I know a bit more about is Stephen King, but mostly that’s through On Writing where he shares a fair bit about his life.
I used to love in the same village as Jilly Cooper and there was so much time spent trying to work out who her characters were based on, because obviously they *must* have been and couldn’t possibly have just sprung from her imagination.
Good luck with avoiding having to overshare!
Whenever cankles are mentioned I can’t help but bubble internally with laughter…because I am immediately reminded of a beloved auntie, who when she lost her hair while undergoing therapy for cancer, murmured with a wicked wink “at least I don’t have cankles”. Thank you for (however unintentionally) reminding me of her.
I have been similarly enraged by magazines. One here in Australia demanded to know my age for an article and made one up (older by three years !) when I declined to give it. There were four stories about men in the same edition :: none of their ages (or status in regard to partners) were mentioned.
Oh my goodness, I love this. And I so very much relate to it!
Thank you so much. Coming from you that’s huge x
This goes hand-in-hand with Sally Rooney's recent interview with the New York Times in which she was asked in several different ways about whether she mines her own experiences for her writing, or whether it's autobiographical in anyway. She said: "I’m aware that people think that my work is heavily autobiographical, and in fact, it isn’t. It felt like they were just fictional characters, like all my other fictional characters, and I was intrigued by them."
It does seem as though women are expected to write about their own experiences, while this is so rarely a question asked of even the most prolific male writers like you mentioned.
I was thinking about that Sally Rooney interview as well when I read this. It seems there's no rest for the female writer!
This is all so true. I do a lot of reading about trauma and nervous systems (for fun, but also for work), and one of the things I've learned is that talking about it isn't always helpful (repression isn't either, so there's a very narrow path to walk here to heal from something healthily), and I think often about how women are socialised to talk about things.
When I was going through my separation, and then divorce, I mentioned it to an aquaintance in a very general manner, simply to give context for something else I was discussing. She asked for the whole story. When I told her I wasn't talking about it to anyone, because it's a. nobody else's business and b. not remotely helpful for our brains and nervous systems she actually said "yes but *I* want to know". I admired her honesty, and I think she was only saying out loud what most people think and/ or expect.
Anyway. Thank you, this is perfectly stated and beautifully written!
Simply Thank you 🙏